How being the executive producer of the film GOOD BAD THINGS helped me process my disability

You might know me from Hulu’s RAMY but I’m also the executive producer of the film GOOD BAD THINGS, a story of romance and self-sabotage told through the perspective of a guy with a disability. When I agreed to join this movie, I never thought it would help me unpack 33 years of trauma and relationships.

I was born with muscular dystrophy and knew from the age of 4 that I was “different.” I couldn’t walk fast, jump, or easily climb stairs like my friends could. I stopped walking when I was 10 and had a near death experience when I was 14 after getting pneumonia from back surgery. For the next 11 years, my doctors told that if I got sick again I wouldn’t survive. So, I did… nothing. I just waited to die. I was afraid to do anything I wouldn’t be able to see through and finish. Then, one day, my doctors told me I’m good. I’m gonna live. And I thought… fuck.

I now had to plan a life I never thought I would have. The life I was told would never happen. The life that came within 5 minutes of ending. All I knew was how to tell jokes and stories. I guess I could do something with that.

Fast forward a few years and I’m in the middle of the worst Hollywood landscape in decades in the form of simultaneous actors and writers strikes. I had no work, I just lost my health insurance, and there was no end in sight. I had nothing to look forward to. Imagine having to pay a thousand dollars every month to keep your ventilator so you can breathe while all you do is watch reruns of COPS all day. Hopelessness would put it mildly. Out of nowhere, I got the answer to all my problems with one Instagram DM.

This guy Danny, who eerily looks kinda like me, told me he had just made a movie and was looking for an executive producer. The team was applying to film festivals and needed someone to help take it to the next level. I agreed to watch it and was instantly blown away. I immediately saw its potential and the impact it could have on audiences, disabled and non-disabled alike. I also felt attacked.

Not only had I never seen an accurate and authentic story like the one told in GOOD BAD THINGS, but I had definitely never seen that story. Where the guy is hurt in a relationship. Where the guy meets a woman who treats him with true love and respect. Where the guy sabotages it because he’s afraid of the cycle of abuse repeating. I felt like I was watching a documentary of my dating life.

I’ve been hurt in my relationships. I’ve been hidden or kept a secret at some point in all of them. But that was never a reason to do anything that hurt my partners back. I don’t blame them at all. I didn’t realize how much I let my insecurities about my disability affect my relationships. I convinced myself I was inadequate and had to compensate to make up for my shortcomings. I had disempowered myself so much I made myself think that I couldn’t be a good boyfriend because of something I didn’t get to choose. I always thought that if I wasn’t so disabled, my relationships would have worked out.

On top of this revelation, I also slowly understood why this smacked me so hard: I had never grieved the body I used to have. The body that used to have more ability and mobility. The body that wasn’t contorted, twisted, and could hug people. It was hard to conceive of the possibility I could mourn something that is still… me. But I had to if I wanted to let go of the past I negatively projected onto others. My disability is not my fault because it’s not my body’s fault. It’s always done what it was programmed to do.

Being the executive producer of GOOD BAD THINGS has been massive for my career. It has given me the opportunity to travel around the country and meet so many wonderful and talented people. There’s nothing like seeing your name in the credits of a movie. But, it’s given me the invaluable experience of self-growth. It gave me the space to process the loss of relationships and my body betraying me since the day I was born. I’m not good enough for some people but that’s OK. I can’t fulfill everyone’s wants and needs. No one can. I am finally able to forgive my body for hurting me. I just hope the people it hurt can forgive it too.

Please enjoy the virtual release of GOOD BAD THINGS here. $5 of every ticket I sell goes towards my new production company W17 to help elevate disabled performers and tell authentic disabled stories.